God has a better idea of where I'm heading than I do. I think I touched on that in my last post a bit. I'm basically a lost college student who can't figure out their way.
I've spent a lot of time letting myself be that lost college student. I was trying to forage my own path in the darkness.
But I was doing it without my guiding light.
So I was heading where I was called, but I wasn't going along the path God planned for me. That path was dark and lonely and cold. I'll forever be marked by how desolate that path was.
Let's back track to the beginning of September 4 years ago, when I was embarking on my freshman year of college. I'd just come out of my first summer working out at a summer camp and my heart longed for the community that I had just left.
I was camp sick for it constantly my first month. After I got over my camp sickness, I wasn't just sad--I felt a pull to go back.
The camp I was from has a program for college students. God made it very clear to me that he wanted me to work at camp for my career. I interpreted that as going into the camping ministry program at this college that seemed so perfect for me; the one that would forgive my loans; the one where I had made amazing friends; the one where I got to live the true college experience for God.
But that wasn't the path. I think you can kind of figure out which of the two options had God's stamp of approval.
There are two voices in my life. One of them is God, and that voice is undeniable. When God speaks to me, I know it without a doubt. I don't even need to think about what He's telling me to do because it is such an undeniable voice. But there's also this other voice in my mind, the voice of my own desires that sometimes overrides the voice of God.
That happened here.
God had revealed to me his path, but I listened to my own voice to find the direction to get there.
And I saw the consequences in my life. I struggled with depression and eating disorders for two and a half years on and off before I had to sit myself down because I finally heard God screaming for my attention.
He'd been screaming for years and I was so engrossed in the voice of my desires that I was deaf to God.
So I made a major life change. Sometimes I still get sad as I think about the fact that I left my traditional college life to take on an internship and online classes. But at the end of the day, I'm so happy because I'm growing closer to God and his purpose for my life daily. I'm overcome with joy to clean toilets, to deal with insane campers, and to even live in the camp bubble for life.
I see different directions God wants me to go coming into play, different callings and longings. I still pray over them as they come around.
Because I never want to make the mistake of living for myself again.
In the next year, I'm going to live for God. He's already lead me toward different adventures that I'll be taking in the next year or so, and now together we plan them. These adventures aren't just adventures, but new endeavors--new programs I want to start at the camp I work at, finishing up my novels, taking these amazing classes, investing in spectacular people.
And God is so good about it all.
I can't wait to live for Him as I move toward the future.
See ya next time,
Ali
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